The Renaissance Chick

Too Tired To Lick!

2010-03-16T22:08:00.000-05:00

How tired do you

have to be ...

to put your ice cream

in your hat

and go to sleep?

Poor Tango!

I'm Mad As A Hatter About Top Hats!

2010-03-15T18:31:00.000-05:00

The Mad Hatter asked:

"Why is a raven like a

writing desk?"

I didn't think you knew...

The Mad Hatter didn't either!

I love this model's

hair topped with

a topper!

A familiar top hat

from the past!

I love this bizarre photo...

she isn't quite as stylish

as the model above...

or as happy as...

this one!

Nothing like top hats,

monocles and canes to

make this duo dapper!

These top hats make

this couple uber cool!

Dylan doesn't need a

top hat to be cool!

This studly dog won't have

any trouble finding

a bitch tonight!

Have I worn you out

with my top hat rant?

I will try to stop...

with my favorite top hat photo...

Good day, mate!

Do These Kick Butt Or What?

2010-03-14T13:51:00.000-05:00

These top hats

light up my life!

I love top hats

and I love lighting...

so you know I am

going to be creating!

How does one

"top" this lighting idea?

Love Affair With Top Hats Continues...

2010-03-13T19:45:00.001-06:00

Top coat, top hat
Well I don't worry 'cause my wallet's fat
Black shades, white gloves
Lookin' sharp and lookin' for love

--ZZ Top, Sharp Dressed Man--

Seems like I'm not

the only person

obsessed with top hats!

Ever play Monopoly?

Or watch W.C. Fields?

Even Porky Pig knows

how to impress a woman!

Look at those eyes!

Bing, you can croon to me

in that top hat!

Even Betty Boop wants to

get in on the action!

Famous nuts like to show off

in top hats...

even salty ones!

Peace, love and

top hats, Winston!

Oh...

maybe he meant victory!

One of our favorite childhood

characters wore a dapper top hat...

this one wonky one too!

And don't forget the quotable

Marlene Dietrich...

"A man would prefer to come home

to an unmade bed and a happy woman

than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman."

I'm on a search for the perfect

top hat of my very own!

Tipping My Hat To Top Hats!

2010-03-07T16:09:00.001-06:00

I'm puttin' on my top hat...

Tyin' up my white tie...

Brushin' off my tails!

--Irving Berlin--

I have had a long
obsession

with top hats!

Now this guy is bringing

the top hat back!

But this isn't the first time

Johnny Depp has worn

a top hat in films.

Remember?

And this?

How can he look so cute

while looking so mean?

Sorry...
I digress...

I got distracted!

Anyway...

I love top hats...

and I am going to spend

a couple of posts featuring

top hats!

Uncle Top Hat Sam Says:

Tune In Tomorrow!

Wonderland Tourist

2010-03-06T18:15:00.000-06:00

You may have noticed that I

have been gone awhile.

Yes, Wonderland was fun...

but I am returning soon!

Thanks for hanging in there!

My She-roes!

2010-02-09T16:50:00.000-06:00

"How important it is

for us to recognize

and celebrate our

heroes as she-roes!"

--Maya Angelou--

Here are my she-roes...

Whoopi Goldberg

"Normal is nothing more

than a cycle on a washing machine."

Ellen DeGeneres

"You know me. Any excuse

to put on a dress.

Texas Governor Ann Richards

(1933-2006)

"Poor George (Bush),

he can't help it.

He was born with a silver

foot in his mouth."

Geaux Saints!

2010-02-07T13:33:00.000-06:00

Madisyn and Bogey

say

GEAUX SAINTS!

Everyone Can Use This Safeguard!

2010-02-05T10:24:00.007-06:00

Disclaimer: The Renaissance Chick
does not promote or condone the use of
wasp spray to fight off
rapists, robbers or killers.
However, I received
this information in an email
and thought Hmmm.
By Hmmm,
I am not suggesting. promoting or condoning
the use of wasp spray
to save your life.
Hmmm...
If an intruder or attacker
is stupid enough to come after me,
I will shoot six rounds.
If I miss,
I will pull out my
feminine hygiene spray
and hit him right between the eyes.
I don't think it has a warning
label on it!
I hope the FEDS will come
clean up the mess!
Hmmm....

Self Protection

If you don't have a gun, here's a more

humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you.

Did you know this? I didn't. I never really thought of it before.

Wasp Spray

A receptionist in a church in a high risk area
was concerned about someone coming into the office
to rob them when they were counting the collection.
She asked the local police department about using pepper spray
and they recommended to her that she

get a can of wasp spray instead.

The wasp spray, they told her,
can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate,
while with the pepper spray,
they have to get too close to you and could overpower you.
The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker
until they get to the hospital for an antidote.
She keeps a can on her desk in the office
and it doesn't attract attention from people like
a can of pepper spray would.
She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection.
Thought this was interesting and might be of use.

Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students
at Sylvania Southview High School .
For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet

spray near your door or bed.

Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."

Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find,
and more effective than mace or pepper spray.

The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet;
so if someone tries to break into your home,
Glinka says "spray the culprit in the eyes".
It's a tip he's given to students for decades.

It's also one he wants everyone to hear.

If you're looking for protection,
Glinka says look to the spray.

"That's going to give you a chance
to call the police; maybe get out."
Maybe even save a life!

My Baby And His Babies

2010-02-04T06:00:00.002-06:00

“A baby will make love stronger...

days shorter...

nights longer...

a bankroll smaller...

a home happier...

clothes shabbier...

the past forgotten...

and the future worth living for."

One of my babies...

with his babies.

That's My Boy!

2010-02-03T06:00:00.001-06:00

"I consider skateboarding

an art form,

a lifestyle and a sport."

--Tony Hawk--

"I consider Tango

a one-of-a-kind,

a trend setter and an original ."

--Grammy--

Get Busy! It Is Your Duty!

2010-02-02T13:05:00.000-06:00

C'mon, people...

it is the patriotic

thing to do!

All I am asking you to do

is VOTE!

Who should you vote for?

Our blogging buddies,

of course!

Sue and her kiddos are

nominated for a wonderful

award...again!

You know Sue...

Just Practicing Random Acts of Kindness!

Yes, Sue is the wonderful owner of

Country Roads Antiques and Gardens

in lovely, sunny

Old Towne Orange, California.

She and her children have made

this family operated business

the best antique store in Orange County!

Evidently, we are not the only people who

know this little secret...

Yes, they are nominated

AGAIN

for the prestigious

FOX Hot List...

the Best of the Best

in Orange County!

All you wonderful people helped

Sue win this award last year,

so let's do it again!

PLEASE go HERE and VOTE

for Country Roads!

Yes, there is another blogging buddy

who needs your VOTE!

VodkaMom is on my required

reading list every day!

After all, a day without VodkaMom

is like a day without sunshine...

or laughter...

or booze!

Deborah is a mom...

and a teacher...

what better reason to drink...

and write about funny experiences...

and drink some more?

Deborah has a tender heart,

a love for kids,

and a wonderful sense of humor...

and she is ONE OF US!

So let's go VOTE for her!

Just go HERE and scroll

down until you see

VodkaMom

(she is Number 7!)

and click on

I Like This Blogger.

Now, don't you feel better?

Good...

now go back and vote tomorrow!

Enough Said

2010-02-01T14:36:00.000-06:00

"Money has no motherland;

financiers are without patriotism

and without decency:

their sold object is gain."

--Napoleon Bonaparte--

"History records that the money changers

have used every form of abuse,

intrigue, deceit, and violent means possible

to maintain their control over governments."

--James Madison--

"Let me issue and control a nation's money

and I care not who writes the laws."

--Mayer Amschel Rothschild--

Cowboy Cash!

2010-01-24T16:42:00.000-06:00

Whoa, Pardner!

There is a new sheriff in town...

Cowboy Cash!

Help Me Pick My New Profile Pic!

2010-01-22T19:27:00.000-06:00

I just had a photo shoot

and was hoping you

could help me pick

the best pose?

The innocent look?

The frisky look?

The pure look?

The formal look?

The regal look?

Or my hood look?

What's it gonna be?

Meet My Award Winning Bird Dogs!

2010-01-20T18:08:00.001-06:00

I know that most of you

are familiar with my

wonderful dog, Sweetie.

Here Sweetie is shown

getting some lovin'

from a young Madisyn!

But do you know that

I have award-winning

bird dogs?

Yep!

They sit in my studio

keeping me company

while I work!

Aren't they cute?

They remind me of my

childhood favorite...

Lady and the Tramp.

Just try to come in my

home unannounced...

they will get you!

Shame On You!

2010-01-19T19:29:00.000-06:00

Enough said...

Two Of My Favorite Guys!

2010-01-16T21:32:00.000-06:00

I have been following these

two actors for five years.

I think they are brilliant

for several reasons:

1.) conservatives think that

they are fellow conservatives...

2.) liberals think they are

making fun of conservatives...

3.) they get the support and

following of both conservatives

and liberals and those in between!

How cool is that?

I wonder if they have

met Ethyl and Imogene?

That would be a match

made in heaven!

I suggest that you turn the sound down

and let this video load...

then watch the video!

Want more?

I will post more...

or you can go to:

www.redstateupdate.com

LANGUAGE ADVISORY!

What The Buck?

2010-01-14T14:23:00.000-06:00

Do you watch

"What The Buck?"

on You Tube?

He ALWAYS makes

me laugh!

Sometimes, it takes

a few minutes for

the video to load...

but it is so worth it!

Not for the easily offended...

WHAT THE BUCK?

Finally...The Answer To Life's Question!

2010-01-13T13:23:00.001-06:00

Time To Call It Quits...Drunkest Guy Ever!

2010-01-11T19:35:00.000-06:00

Oh, my!

I needed a good laugh!

Enjoy!

Please Pray!

2010-01-10T16:05:00.000-06:00

If you haven't been to

The Texas Woman's

blog today,

please do that now...

and send up prayers

for The Texas Woman, Cher,

and for Sweet Baby Emery!

No, I Have Not Said All That Needs To Be Said!

2010-01-06T23:39:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am still on

my rant!

Why?

I want Mike Leach back...

and I want Texas Tech

administrators' alleged

"investigation" to be investigated!

See the banner above?

A plane was flying this banner

last week outside the

Alamo Dome!

I think this sign

says it very well...

and this bumper sticker...

or this bumper sticker!

If you want to support

Captain Leach...

and make the Tech

administrators

walk the gang plank...

Go to Facebook

and join Team Leach.

We have over 56,000 members!

You don't have to be a Tech alum...

just a Mike Leach fan...

or a voice for fair play!

Join The Protest!

2010-01-05T14:58:00.001-06:00

Hitler Comments On Mike Leach Firing!

2010-01-04T13:08:00.000-06:00

Hitler on Mike Leach Firing from Jay on Vimeo.

The Rant Continues!!! Support The Captain!!!

2010-01-03T19:15:00.001-06:00

Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

2010-01-02T20:12:00.000-06:00

The Good Ship

Raider Nation

is ready for

MUTINY!

We Red Raider mateys

want Captain Leach back!

You may have kept him

out of the Alamo Bowl tonight,

but a MUTINY is on its way!

I am calling you out,

Texas Tech administrators...

Kent Hance

Gerald Myers!

Ready for you scoundrels to walk the gang plank...

along with a couple of spoiled sissy boys!

You will find out where ye faithful are!

We expect your loyalty!

We don't put up with traitors!

Arrrggghhhh!

Put up the good fight

tonight Red Raiders...

because faithful alums

intend to put up a good

fight for Captain Leach!

You Be The Judge!

2010-01-01T17:57:00.000-06:00

Just want to start the New Year

off by posting three of my

favorite photos!

These are my three grandkids.

Yes, these are three different babies!

Can you guess which is which?

I really think that my son, Evan,

and his wife, Elena, could go into

the full time baby making business,

because it looks like they just make them

out of the same mold!

You got it yet?

Madisyn in photo 1

Tango in photo 2

Cash in photo 3

Am I lucky or what?

You Are Invited To My New Year's Eve Party!

2009-12-31T18:47:00.001-06:00

The Renaissance Chick

is having a New Year's Eve Party

and you are invited!

Ready for a stiff one?

Here is where we

are having the party!

I know you know your way!

Might I suggest

a limousine for tonight?

I know you will want to impress!

We are waiting on you!

Everyone is here already!

Hurry!

There will be dancing...

and drinking...

and more dancing...

and more drinking...

and even some hanging

from the chandeliers!

Uncle Bob will be there

with his spoiled ass dog!

There will probably be

some embarrassing moments...

which will make us

drink some more...

and dance some more!

Aunt Hazel will have her

annual fit about Uncle Bob

and his dog...

which will lead to a

potty hugging conclusion!

There is gonna be some

kissing at midnight...

and I can guarantee that

someone will need help

getting home!

Just try to keep

your clothes on

and my tablecloth off!

And please stay off of

the stripper pole!

You aren't a spring

chicken anymore...

remember?

By the end of the night,

I am sure we will all

need some back ups!

And what a mess there will be

when all of you finally leave!

But nobody goes anywhere

until we see the fireworks!

Thanks for being at my party

this year...

and I SO look forward to

the 365 party days

of 2010!

Belle of the New Year's Eve Ball...

2009-12-29T12:34:00.000-06:00

Okay, boys...

who wants to

pop my balloon tonight?

Guess who is under

this big ass skirt!

Who blew up all

these condoms?

They think I'm smiling...

I'm really trying to

catch my breath

from this

torture belt

which makes my

40 inch waist

look like a 20 inch one!

I believe in recycling

but did someone have

to make this confetti

out of used toilet paper?

I don't know how

I got in this picture...

someone just yelled

"all the airheads say cheese!"

I dreamed I was the

belle of the New Year's Eve Ball

in my Maidenform Bra!

New Year's Eve Party For Those My Age...

2009-12-28T11:50:00.000-06:00

Are you making plans

for New Year's Eve?

I use to be the life

of every New Year's Eve party,

but things changed.

I got older.

I go to sleep earlier.

Drinking and driving

ain't as popular

as it use to be.

I am afraid that my

alcohol induced memory lapses

could extend into full blown

alzheimers.

I would have to wear

a Depends or run to

the bathroom every five minutes.

I have to put my glasses on

to see who is groping me.

Nobody asks for my ID anymore...

they ask for my AARP card.

I don't like to repeat myself

four or five times

so that my friends can hear me.

That little elastic strap

which holds on the party hat

cuts into my double chin.

Every man in the room

has nose hair and ear hair.

Somebody always spikes

the punch

with Geritol!

The Best Of All Gifts...

2009-12-24T23:35:00.000-06:00

The best of all gifts

around any Christmas tree:

the presence of a happy family

all wrapped up in each other.

---Burton Hillis---

Thank you for being

a part of my

happy family!

Merry Christmas!

Madisyn Says Thanks!

2009-12-23T22:16:00.000-06:00

Madisyn and I

want to thank you

for your prayers!

Look how well

those prayers worked!

Madisyn's Mom took

this photo as soon as

she came out of

the anesthetic.

Mom reported that

Madi didn't cry at all!

We are all so proud

of Madisyn...

and so proud of

our blogging family

who were keeping

us in your prayers...

yet again!

Ya'll are the BEST!

Hey, Baby!

2009-12-19T22:55:00.000-06:00

Hey, baby!

I need a nap!

I will be back

to post on

Christmas Eve!

Please say a prayer

for my sweet Madisyn

who is having her tonsils

out Tuesday!

Thanks, dear friends!

Nothing Says Christmas Like A....

2009-12-17T16:08:00.000-06:00

Ah, yes...

nothing says Christmas

like a gun!

A gift for the

whole family!

Grandma and Grandpa

have been skipping meals

and saving their money

for your Christmas check...

just so you can

buy that gun!

Can't trust anybody

to buy you the

perfect gift?

Buy yourself

that gun!

And don't forget

THAT person

on your list...

a gun would be

perfect!

And don't forget that

ammo makes a great

stocking stuffer!

Jingle Bells...

Shotgun Shells...

Jingle All The Way!

More Gifts For THAT Person On Your List!

2009-12-16T11:45:00.000-06:00

Still not sure what to get

THAT person

on your list?

THAT person didn't like

the tobacco suggestion?

Of course not...

THAT person

never likes anything!

So what is my helpful

suggestion of the day?

Santa needs it when

he receives his letter

from THAT person...

and all your guests

need it when

THAT person

is around!

Give the gift that

makes THAT person...

friendlier...

and more obnoxious!

The gift that makes

THAT person

finally like your dog...

and finally like

your husband!

The gift that makes

THAT person

feel cool...

and extra festive!

The gift that makes

THAT person

feel like crap the next day!

Nothing says Merry Christmas

like alcohol!

The perfect gift for

THAT person!

For THAT Person On Your Gift List!

2009-12-15T12:15:00.001-06:00

Yep, the pressure is on!

You are running out of shopping time!

Being the happy little helper

that I am at this time of year,

I am going to run a series of

suggestions on last minute

holiday gifts for

THAT person

on your list!

Don't act innocent!

We all have THAT person

on our list!

You know EXACTLY who

THAT person is on your list!

Ready for the suggestion of the day?

Give 'em the gift of...

coughing...

hacking...

bad breath...

stained teeth...

wrinkled skin...

and black lungs!

Nothing says Merry Christmas

like tobacco!

The perfect gift for

THAT person!

Up To My Neck...

2009-12-13T20:33:00.000-06:00

Just when you

think that

things can't

get any worse...

think again!

Dog Gone Tired!

2009-12-11T20:35:00.001-06:00

My feet are dog tired...

all four of them!

I've been busy sniffing out

the very best Christmas

present for you!

I'm tired of the crowds...

all those noses

up my rear end!

I don't have a lot of scratch

this year...

so I had to dig down deep

to figure out the perfect gift!

Now, if I can just get this

back to the house

and get it buried

before you see it...

WHAT?

You looked?

You dawg!

You are so in the dog house!

Now I have to back track

and start this hunt all over again!

And to top it all off,

I think I'm in heat...

thanks, bitch!

Childhood Christmas Memories...

2009-12-10T19:02:00.001-06:00

Do you remember

Christmas mornings

when you were a child?

Waking up to find these

things under your tree?

Chatty Cathy...

Betsy McCall...

and who could forget...

Betsy Wetsy?

You so wanted that

Cinderella watch...

that Cootie game...

and that metal

fold-up doll house!

Dad always got

upset when he stepped

on the jacks...

and Mom didn't want

you to bake one more cake!

So it was time to play

with your paper dolls...

especially the Lennon Sisters

paper dolls...

and play your new

record player!

Your dog would try

to eat your new Slinky...

and chew on the cover

of your new

Bobbsey Twins book!

So you would talk

Dad into playing

Tiddly Winks with you...

and talk Mom into

listening to your cool

new transistor radio!

And when Mom and Dad

went off to cook breakfast,

you would entertain yourself

with your new View Master!

Oh, those were the days!

What was your favorite find
under the Christmas tree?

Does Anybody But Me See A Pattern Here?

2009-12-09T20:56:00.000-06:00

Guess Who Has A Birthday Today?

2009-12-07T15:28:00.000-06:00

Yep, that's right!

Tango!

He looks like

a natural

party boy,

doesn't he?

Happy Birthday,

Tango!

Glad you

enjoyed

your party!

See you

soon!

Love you,

Grammy & Grande

Anyone Else Feel Like This?

2009-12-01T22:01:00.000-06:00

This is for you, Elena!

Winter In Houston...

2009-11-30T19:31:00.000-06:00

Snow?

Sleet?

Freezing weather?

Nope!

This is winter in Houston!

Green and tropical...

get a closer look!

Yep!

Bananas are almost

ready to harvest!

Sweetie and Buddy

want in from the cold!

Brrr! The temperature

is a chilly 55 degrees!

Welcome to Houston!

The Renaissance Chick Is Lit...

2009-11-29T21:18:00.000-06:00

I was feeling

like an underachiever

this weekend.

Every blog features

beautiful Christmas decorations

going up in homes.

So I thought I better

get busy and catch up.

Thought I would share

my Christmas decorations.

We found the perfect

Christmas tree for our family room!

Lurch and I had to try

to out Dew each other,

but we finally got this tree

up in our kitchen!

I couldn't believe that this tree

was still on the tree lot!

Did we get lucky or what?

This tree greets the guests

in our foyer!

After a full day of decorating,

it didn't take Lurch and me

long to build this tree

in our bar!

Okay, maybe Lurch got carried

away with the lights

on this tree on our front porch,

but after that bar tree...

need I say more?

Okay, I will admit it...

Lurch and I had our annual

Christmas tree decorating fight

after he fell off the ladder twice...

remember the bar tree?

So now this is my favorite tree!

Whew! I am feeling a little better now!

What A Way To Start The Day!

2009-11-28T19:04:00.000-06:00

I want to wake up

to this every morning!

What a blessing!

Madisyn, Tango, Cash

You Are Invited To My House For Thanksgiving Dinner!

2009-11-26T09:56:00.000-06:00

YUM!!!!!

This is for those folks who still

have room in their tummies

after that Wild Turkey recipe

I shared with you a few days ago!

Have a fun Thanksgiving,

my friends!

Dressed to Kill...

2009-11-24T22:38:00.000-06:00

I finally found

the perfect outfit

for Thanksgiving!

The other guests

will be so envious!

For My Friend, Sue!

2009-11-22T19:56:00.000-06:00

To my vegan friend,

Sue...

I think I understand now!

Yuk!

Falling Leaves!

2009-11-21T16:34:00.000-06:00

Almost ready to lose

the Autumn leaves...

if you know what

I mean!

Girly Finds Of The Week...

2009-11-20T18:10:00.000-06:00

I love some of my girly

finds this week.

Isn't this photo the best?

Lace and ruffles

and gloves...

oh, my!

This old picture makes my

brain work overtime!

Who matted this

picture with notebook paper?

This picture tells a story...

just wish I knew it!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words...

2009-11-19T17:34:00.003-06:00

I could be a

bragging Grammy

and tell you what a

wonderful cheerleader

Madisyn is,

but I don't have to do that!

All you have to do is check out

this photo that was taken

last week at the

"Pee Wee Super Bowl".

Can you spot Madisyn?

Hint: She is the one with her foot over her head!

Sure wish Grammy could do that!

My Favorite Turkey Recipe!

2009-11-18T06:00:00.051-06:00

Thanksgiving is a time for sharing...

so I thought I would share

my favorite turkey recipe!

I guarantee you

that this recipe

will create some

special memories!

First, break out

your best crystal!

Fill up that lovely

ice bucket that you

and Martha Stewart made!

Now, carefully bring out

the Turkey!

Don't drop it!

That would be a disaster!

Here are the instructions:

1. Fill the glass with ice.

2. Fill the glass with Wild Turkey.

3. Put your feet up after all

that hard work in the kitchen.

4. Drink and refill as necessary!

No, you didn't!

You didn't just ask me

about the Thanksgiving

vegetables, did you?

I'm not through with my recipe!

Add cranberries

and rosemary

to finish off your

holiday meal!

Now wasn't that better

than last year's

Thanksgiving turkey?

Now, this is my kind

of holiday meal!

It Was Lost But Now Is Found...

2009-11-16T22:09:00.000-06:00

I found it!

It has been a long search.

It has been at least 30 years!

I never thought I would see it again...

but here it is.

I am not sure how I stumbled upon it,

but I am so glad I did!

Inner Peace...

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Pure joy!

Where Has She Been?

2009-11-15T23:19:00.000-06:00

You weren't expecting a

Pop Test today,

were you?

Well, it is Monday!

However, since teacher

has been negligent in preparing you,

I will give you an easy test today!

Read the question carefully

and select the best answer.

Question: Where has Malisa been?

A. I haven't noticed she was gone.

B. She was with Waldo!

C. She isn't coming back, is she?

D. She left town!

E. She fell in love with someone new!

F. None of the above.

G. All of the above.

Yes, class...

the correct answer is G!

It is true!

I was gone...even if you didn't notice!

I was with Waldo...well, Waldo's brother, Lurch.

Yes, I am afraid that I am coming back!

I did leave town and traveled to West Texas.

I am in total love with a new person in my life...

here is his photo!

Meet my new love...

Cash!

Cash was born last Friday.

He weighed 6 pounds and 15 ounces

and was 20 inches long.

His hair is super blonde

and he is gorgeous!

Sorry I have ignored you...

but look at this face!

Getting Old!

2009-10-15T13:10:00.004-05:00

It suddenly hit me that I am getting old. Something is happening to me that has never happened before! No, it is not the fact that…

…my ass has become as wide as a barn

…my boobs could be mistaken for my knee caps

…my tummy looks like I swallowed a watermelon seed

…my hair is sprouting some gray despite Miss Clairol #6

…my thighs rubbing together could provide enough sparks for a whole troop of Boy Scouts

…shaving my legs only for major holidays has become way too much of a hassle

…I am trifocally challenged and have a pair of glasses for reading, a pair of glasses for driving and a pair of glasses for watching tv

…I recognize everything in the antique store as favorite items from my youth

…I only dress for comfort and manage to dress up the same pair of sweat pants for retirement parties, wakes and funerals

(whatever happened to keg parties, showers and weddings?)

…sex is now a thing that only happens in the hallway when my husband

greets me with “screw you” and I say “no, screw you”

No, it is not any of those things that make me realize that I am getting old! It is the fact that I am now making grammatical and spelling errors.

I ain’t never done that befour in my live?

Buddha Is Navigatin'

2009-10-10T16:17:00.000-05:00

You feel like you gotta change your luck?

Change your Karma?

Change your life?

Change your future?

I ain’t takin no chances!

Givin’ a lift,

Givin’ a hand,

Givin’ a break!

You gotta do all the things that are right…

Care for your neighbor,

Care for the poor,

Care for others more than yourself.

You gotta get down on your knees and pray for faith…

Pray for Obama,

Pray for peace,

Pray for no more war.

You gotta help those that ain’t got nothing’…

Need a job,

Need a ride,

Need health insurance.

You feel like you gotta change your luck?

Change your Karma?

Change your life?

Change your future?

I ain’t takin’ no chances!

Givin' a lift,

Givin' a hand,

Givin' a break!

You gotta get back to bein’ human…

Reach upward,

Reach down,

Reach out.

You gotta remember where you came from…

Remember your roots,

Remember your manners,

Remember your verses.

You gotta lose that snotty attitude…

Break down,

Break out,

Break free.

I ain’t takin no chances!

Jesus is drivin’,

Buddha is navigatin’,

Mother Earth is watchin‘!

Need a ride?

Just Me And My Hero...

2009-10-05T10:17:00.002-05:00

It was unbelievably bright. The autumn moon was as full as the belly of the deer feeding from the lowest branches. Stars were on full duty…twinkling on demand and flashing her orbs of stellar proportions.

The highway was lonesome…as always. Driving for an hour upon hour without meeting oncoming headlights was not unusual. Driving without headlights was a local art. Roll down the windows, turn off the lights and roll through the totally quiet night…just you, your car and the dessert mountains bathed in blue moonlight.

This particular night, My Hero and I were alone on the road which resembled a white satin ribbon running through the mountains of blue velvet. Just the two of us slipping down that ribbon road in the moonlight.

Headlights coming up fast behind us ended our solitude.

With lights back on, we continue our peaceful path on our joy ride through the night. We rejoice as the fast approaching car begins to pass us. Soon we will be alone on our road again.

As the car pulls beside us, the car slows down to travel beside us. Two males from the other vehicle wave in that country, down home, familiar way. One of the passengers pantomimes a request for us to roll down our window. They probably need instructions as many tourists do. No one wants to get lost on these deserted roads.

As soon as our window comes down, a hand emerges from the passenger window of the car beside us. In the hand is a revolver pointed right at us with a less than friendly request to pull over.

Without ever taking his foot off the gas, My Hero thrilled me as he automatically, effortlessly pulled out his intimidating .44 Caliber Magnum and pointed it directly at the opposing revolver which suddenly looked like the dainty handgun of a woman. My Hero said “Fuck off” in that country, down home, familiar way as he kept driving at a steady, consistent speed.

The offending car sped off into the darkness with both men turning to check that we were not following.

We turned off the headlights, breathed in the mountain air and continued our pilgrimage on that white ribbon through the blue moonlight...

just me and My Hero.

Woman...Protector OF The Night

2009-10-01T10:24:00.001-05:00

The top of the mountain was brightly illuminated by moonlight. Coyotes yelped and javelina pigs snorted in the sagebrush outside the glass doors. The dessert sky was filled with an awe inspiring display of stars , planets and reflections of ourselves. The inhabitants of the isolated countryside had long been asleep with curtains flapping from the night breezes.

I lay very still and listened. Sleep would not light upon my eyelids. Ears straining, I would sit up in bed, hoping to hear it, but instead would hear crickets, locusts and deer feeding in the moonlight.

Minutes grew to hours and restlessness bloated to anxiety. Dreadful thoughts were flitting around my head like the moths beating upon the porch lights. Just as sweat was forming under my hairline, I would hear it…the low rumble in the distance. The sound was steady and sure and grew closer and closer until headlights broke the top of the mountain and truck tires crunched on gravel.

He was home.

He would tiptoe into my room, thinking I was asleep, lean over and kiss me and say “Night, Mom.”

“Night, Evan. I’m glad you are home. I’m glad you are safe.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you, Mom.”

“Thanks for waking me. Will I see you in the morning?”

“Yeah, Mom. I will be here.”

The forest was dark with pine trees overcrowding hardwood trees. Not even the brightest moon could break through the dark of the land. It was hot and humid and fog hung like a blanket in the air. East Texas night skies are only lighted by the blinking lights of the commuter jets flying overhead. The air was heavy, still and ominous. The inhabitants of the rural outskirts of Houston had long been asleep with air conditioners turned on high.

I lay very still and listened. Sleep would not light upon my eyelids. I needed to hear the familiar sound, but instead heard only timber wolves howling and tree frogs croaking in the distance.

Minutes grew to hours and restlessness bloated to anxiety. Dreadful thoughts were hanging to my mind like the padded toes of lizards hanging onto the window screens. Just as sweat was forming under my hairline, I would hear it…the key in the door and the sound of heavy footsteps on the suspended wooden staircase.

He was home.

He would tiptoe into my room, thinking I was asleep, lean over and kiss me and say, “Night, Mom.”

“Night, Eric. I’m glad you are home. I’m glad you are safe.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you, Mom.”

“Thanks for waking me up. Will I see you in the morning?”

“Yeah, Mom. I will be here.”

The bedroom is not a quiet place. Our bedroom is filled with sounds of the television set with the power button set to eternal. Sounds of rushing wind are replaced with whistles and sudden bursts of belching from the machine which keep his lungs filled with air all night. The motor on the adjustable beds purr as we toss and turn and try to find comfort.

I lay very still and listen. Sleep will not light upon my eyelids. I strain my eyes and ears searching for the signs I need to witness. But all I hear are the television talking heads and the whir of the overhead ceiling fan.

Minutes seem an eternity. At my age, I am not patient with waiting. I reach across and lay my hand upon his chest. There it is! My hand rises and falls gently with each shallow breath.

He is home.

He takes my hand, opens his eyes, leans over and kisses me and says, “I love you.”

“Night, baby. I’m glad you are okay. I’m glad you are safe.”

“I’m sorry I keep you awake, Malisa.”

“I’m happy to be awake. Will I see you in the morning?”

He closes his eyes, reaches out until his fingers rest lightly upon my thigh.

“Yeah, I damn well better be here.”

Fear...

2009-09-29T11:09:00.000-05:00

The skies have grown dark,
and the low rumbling of thunder begins.
I snuggle down deeper in my bed
with a smile on my face.

She runs from window to window,
the panic running through her veins.
I can hear her pace.
I can tell by the sound of her footsteps
that she will try to involve me in her watch.

She is at the bedroom door.
She doesn’t bother to knock.
It is an emergency in her racing mind.
“You need to get up. There’s a storm”

I can’t contribute to her sickness anymore.
I spent 20 years walking the floorboards with her.
Me being by her side was to be a comfort for her,
but all it did was fan the flames…
gave credence to her sickness.

“Get up,“ she repeats with fear rising in her throat.
“Why, Mom? Why do you want me to get up?” I answer in my calmest voice.
She speaks as the expert….as the only voice of reason,
“There’s a cloud! What if its bad? We need to watch it!”
I remind her that we don’t watch clouds here,
This is not West Texas with open vistas to watch the approaching nightly entertainment.

“Then how do we know when to go to the storm cellar?”
She is angry that her logic is not working in this foreign environment.
I remind her that there is no storm shelter to be found in this part of the country.
I give her a hug, tell her to go back to bed.
I remind her to quit worrying about something she can’t control.
That is a foreign concept to her.

I return to my bed and snuggle under the covers.
My smile returns as the thunder rattles the windows.
I am comforted by the sounds of the storms.
I relax and thank God for helping me overcome the illness she passed down.
As I drift off to a peaceful sleep, I realize that there is no pacing outside my door.
She is getting better.

I Was Seduced

2009-09-28T10:04:00.000-05:00

She is such a fickle bitch.

And, of course, she must always have her way. She is “one of those” who can never share decisions or opinions. It is “her way or the highway“!

I knew better than to trust her. I have been burned before. But she sucked me back in last week. She was so tempting and I was hungry for what she had to offer. We started hanging out together again.

She has this strange ability to make me want to leave the comfort of my surroundings and my house and explore the world again. She makes me restless. My head tells me that she is dangerous and not to be trusted, but my heart tells me to give in and trust her.

Last week, I found myself sitting in the rocking chair on my porch doing nothing but dreaming. I was making lists in my head of all the things I wanted to do with her. I imagined us doing creative projects in my yard, riding bicycles together through the neighborhood, going on road trips to explore the countryside and traveling to far away places.

She plays on my emotions. She makes me miss the “old me“…you know…the me that was fun, adventurous, and full of life. She draws me out of my shell with requests to join her.

Let’s face it. She seduced me. I fell for her…again. When will I ever learn?

So now I am back in my house with my memories of her. Sad. Missing our week together. It was a wonderful week. She made me feel cool. She made me comfortable. In one short week, she reminded me that life is for living.

But it is over.

I knew she would do this to me. I FALL for it every year!

I am once again locked in my house. I am grieving in the comfort of my air-conditioned bedroom. Will I ever see her again? Will she return to save me?

AUTUMN, are you coming back?

Mother Nature is such a fickle bitch.

Sometimes I Am Slow!

2009-09-21T08:59:00.000-05:00

Well, now that you

have put it in

language I can

understand...

Guess I better get

busy moving!

...Sigh...

And The Story Has A Happy Ending!

2009-09-18T15:52:00.000-05:00

The balloons and prayers

went up to Heaven

for Baggy

Prayers were heard

and my little girl,

Madisyn,

is happy again...

Meet Bogey!